Rita Skeeter: Severus Snape Exclusive
by SnapesPrincess
Summary: Rita Skeeter tracks down Severus Snape to his hidy hole, can she get an interview without being killed? Watch out for her Quick Fire Q&A round.


AN: I do not own either characters, they belong solely to JKR. Big thanks to Bubblegum Rock Princess, my lovely beta, sorry I forgot you! R&R ppl.

Rita Skeeter, journalist for the Daily Prophet is still missing. Concern is growing for her safety after this following report was found last night. Ministry officials believe that she is being held prison by the wanted criminal Severus Snape and his band of merry men.

**Rita Skeeter Live from inside a Beaker**

Rita Skeeter reporting to you from a smelly dark cave. Exclusive interview with murderer Severus Snape.

Having accidentally on purpose tracked down wanted murder Severus Snape (something which the Ministry can not do) to a small dark rather disgustingly smelly cave in the hills of Northern Scotland, I your fearless reporter conducted the following interview before becoming trapped in a rather small and dusty beaker.

RS: "Severus Snape, you were earlier today tracked down to this smelly dirty hole somewhere in Northern Scotland. How do you feel about being found?"

SS: "I am on the verge of blasting you to London in tiny pieces, now shut up!"

RS: "Now Mr. Snape lets not get nasty. The readers want to know all about you."

Snape looks flirtatiously into the sparkling eyes of the beauty that is your reporter.

SS: "I am not flirting with you! I'd rather flirt with a cockroach that has measles!"

RS: "Ignore the quill. Now, how did you feel when you killed the wizarding world's greatest wizard Albus Dumbledore?"

SS: "Normal."

Mr. Snape has a mad glistening look to his eye as he smiles baring his grotesque yellow have not been brushed for year's teeth.

RS: "Do you not feel guilty for your actions in killing the old dingbat?"

SS: "Should I feel guilty?"

RS: "So you are pleased with your actions?"

SS: "As pleased as I shall ever be! I am worshipped by all! I the Dark Lords most faithful servant!"

RS: "Is that correct?"

SS: "Yes! Who dares say otherwise?"

RS: "Bellatrix Lestrange, I spoke to her earlier today. Now, can you tell me and the readers what turned you against the man who had showed every faith in you?"

SS "I haven't turned against the Dark Lord!"

RS: "Not You-Know-Who, Dumbledore. For a teacher I thought that would have been obvious."

SS: "Dumbledore was a fool; I never gave him any reason to trust me!"

RS: "How do you feel now knowing that the Ministry is after you? And that you have a long stretch in Azkaban to look forward to?"

SS: "I couldn't care less about the Ministry; they have to find me first!"

Please note that Mr. Snape is laughing madly as his hand longs to hold mine, I am not afraid and in the interests of my readers, I shall see this interview through to the end.

SS: "I do not long to hold you hand!"

RS: "Now, now Mr. Snape, let us not pretend, we are both adults."

SS: "I...Umm…"

RS: "Now for the real questions that are our readers long to know the answers to! Did you have a happy childhood?"

SS: "What? That is none of your business!"

RS: "I think Mr. Snape that you should answer the question, it will help us understand you so much better."

SS: "Well then…No."

RS: "And why is that?"

SS: "I just didn't!"

RS: "Is it true that your father was a muggle man named Todd?"

SS: "No it is not true! He was named Tobias."

RS; "Did you love your father?"

SS: "About as much as I love Potter."

RS: "So you had a few relationship problems with your father? Where you never close to him?"

SS: "No, he was a foul man who hopefully is still rotting!"

Mr. Snape has a twisted expression upon his face, my mistake, he is smiling.

RS: "Do you feel the same way about your mother?"

SS: "What? No! My mother was strong witch! A good woman!"

RS: "So you were close to your mother? Do you still speak to her?"

SS: "She…She is dead."

Please let this record state that Mr. Snape has tears in his black empty eyes. Are we finally seeing the real Severus Snape? A man who grew up in a home which was reportedly filled with violence, a man who was easy prey for older students who attended Hogwarts when he was younger. Is it possible that Severus Snape is the way he is because of his father? Let's continue and find out.

RS: "I'm sorry to hear that. How did you feel when Sirius Black was killed?"

SS: "Marvelous. It was one of Bellatrix's finest moments."

RS: "Are you in love with Bellatrix Lestrange or do you just admire her evilness?"

SS: "I am not in love with that stuck up...And I do not admire her, I can't stand that woman, she should have stayed in Azkaban, she was more use there then out here, women should be in one of two places, Azkaban or the kitchen!"

RS: "Okay Mr. Snape, now for the quick fire questions. I'll ask you a question and you do not hesitate in answering. Now, Blondes or Brunettes?"

SS: "Brunettes."

RS: Slytherin or Gryffindor?"

SS: "Slytherin of course!"

RS: "Dark colors or bright colors?"

SS: "Dark."

RS: "Boxers or Briefs?"

SS "Boxers."

RS: "Is that what you are wearing now? Boxers?"

SS: "If truth be known, I am in fact going commando, I didn't have time to grab a clean pair of boxers...Do not write that!"

RS: "Now, now Severus, stick to the questions. To lie or not to lie?"

SS: "Lie."

RS: "Have you ever been in love?"

SS: "Yes."

RS: "Really? Who with? What was her name and where is she now?"

SS: "I am not telling you that!"

RS: "Okay then, wine or whiskey?"

SS: "Wine."

RS: "Soft and fluffy or hard and rough?"

SS: "Soft and fluffy."

RS: "Shampoo and Condition or just water?"

SS:" Neither I prefer the grease."

RS: "Cats and Kittens or Dogs and Puppies?"

SS: "Cats they cook better in my cauldron."

RS: "You cook cats?"

SS: "Yes, I also enjoy battered frogs, they taste like chicken wings."

RS: "I think I may be sick...Innocent or Guilty?"

SS: "Innocent."

RS: "Please, you need to answer truthfully."

SS: "I am answering truthfully!"

RS: "Right…Evil or Good?"

SS: "Both."

RS "You can not have both Mr. Snape."

SS: "I can and I will. This interview is ridiculous! You have to the count of two before I kill you. One…"

RS: Wait I am to young to die!"

SS: "Fine, I'll just put you in this beaker!"

Rita Skeeter reporting to you from the cave with the murderous Severus Snape. The man who thrives on death and destruction! You heard it here first! Now send help!


End file.
